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I often train framers, carpenters and the like on how to install Insulating Concrete Forms (ICF’s). As a normal course of training, we gather about and partake of the spirits and discuss the training and look at thousands of pictures of good and bad work…which usually leads to discussions of what not to do and how to promote good quality and performance on the part of the new installer. We come up with some pretty good one-liners to put on business cards etc. I noticed a couple on the site today by chance, and thought this is the place to hear ’em all, good or bad. No need to post “Quality is job one” I just sank $600 big ones into a new front end for the ’96. Ian
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Replies
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Who needs a job when there's surf?
*We screw the other guy and pass the savings on to you.JonC
*Yeah I know thier price is cheaper, and I cant argue with them about thier price, I imagine they know better than anyone else what thier job is worth.brisketbean
*"If we can't do it, maybe someone else can. We don't know."
*Aw Jeez, don't bring surfing up, I'll get the landlocked weepy eyes.
*I've been looking for this opening Ian. When I was training and supervising carpenters I told them b "if something seems to difficult it is, your doing something wrong." This rule of thumb was intended to keep them from spending all morning removing all the thin cellophane strips from the shingles before roofing the shed, or otherwise doing something highly inefficient. Sometimes I would expand on the second half of the rule such asb your trying to do something that should not be done, you don't have the right tool for that job, etc.Joe
*Best one I ever saw was in Idaho, (Boise or Twin Falls). The place was called "Bill's Fairly Reliable Used Cars"MDx
*"Hiring us is better than a poke in the ass with a sharp stick.""Specializing in fixing what the other guy screwed up at half the price.""Lifetime warrantee!""Does not apply to poor workmanship, defects in materials, acts of nature or God or anything else that goes wrong."Pete Draganic
*Toledo Radiator.....a great place to take a leak.
*We stand behind our work! But never under it.
*Hey ya bum, whereya been hidin'? We missed ya so much we were gonna find someone to shag-ya again.
*Billboard sign out front of a business in Eliot, Maine:Septic Tanks PumpedPool Water DeliveredNot Same Truck
*sign in an automitive repair shop...We have three kinds of repair jobs...b GOOD... CHEAP... and QUICKYou can have any TWO...b Good, and Cheap (but it won't be quick)b Good and Quick (but it won't be cheap)b Cheap, and Quick (but it won't be good)James DuHamel
*There is a company in town called:Well Hung Doors.
*Plumbers--BIG red van sez: b Kook & Son
*Did a reno in Toronto's Chinatown many moons ago. . .used to see this truck in the neighbourhood advertisingb Wong Wal Construction-pm
*Company in Provincetown , MAb ACCURATE PLUMBINGand my cement finishers answering machine "I'm out working, why the hell aren't you ?""tailight warranty........good 'til my truck gets over the hill""you don't have to measure the job, I did it for you"
*b MINI'S WHOREHOUSE(we don't give a f*ck for nothin')
*Just was looking in the yeller pages under plumbing and it was definitely devoid of clever slogans - "We Clean Out Your Drain, Not Your Wallet" was as close as it got. Not any better under the constractor's list with "change is good" as about the only entry...Passed a glasier's truck today with the slogan "we fix your pane". On I-5 there is a grass turf grower with "we are easy to get a lawn with" on the sign; and another a few miles further on with "we just keep rollin a lawn"...Somewhere there must actually be some good ones - I remember a bar some place (don't remember where, maybe Texas) that had as it slogan: "liquor where she likes it"...
*"We're not very good, but at least we're slow'
*Saw an ad on t.v. this evening. It was a bankruptcy lawyer, specializing in bankruptcies only. I kid you not, on the bottom of the screen, in large letters, it said "We accept all major credit cards"That's right, go ahead and add the bankruptcy lawyer's fee to your debt listing! This is nuts...James DuHamel
*I Fish, Therefore I Am.
*A bar in Dwight Ill. called Art's Bird Store : We sell swallows
*I HONESTLY DID SEE THIIS ONE IN THE LOCAL TAB... .'MUTANT NINJA CARPENTER.'......
*How about "We do our best and caulk the rest"
*Venetian blind installer in Dallas: "This car driven by a blind man!"Grocery store in Durant, OK: "You may whip our cream, but you can't beat our meat!"Chinese restaurant in Dallas: "Big Wong"
*An Indianapolis awning business: Shady DealsRich Beckman
*gas stasion and resterant sign on highway says eat here and get gas
*If it flys, floats or f*cks, it's cheaper to rent it!
*Used to be a business here called "A & H something" -- don't remember what they actually were, but they were well known (due to the quality of the work) as "Ax & Hatchet" Joe H
*A slogan for a bar in Missoula Montana reads: Liquor in front, poker in rear!
*I just noticed a new billboard at my local lumber yard..."The best lumber yard you ever sawed"Pete "laughing on the inside" Draganic
*We do it right because we do it twice
*Sign on a Hickey Septic Service truck:If it's icky, just call Hickey.
*If its got tits or tires, you're bound to have trouble with it!
*Advertisement for a hardware store in Belleville, Illinois that specializes in hard-to-find plumbing supplies - "Don't sleep with a drip".
*WE GET IT UP APOLLO CEILINGS Boston MA
*Blow Brother's Septic Service in Maine:Blow Brother's, we're #1 in #2
*Hair salon near my home is called "Curl Up And Dye".
*My sister in law showed me this one. She's a hair stylist and gets some mags about hair styling business.Seems there is a hair salon somewhere in Florida that is called Sensational Hair Designs. A competitor bought some billboard space with the following ad - "After You've Had Your Hair Sensationally Designed, Come See Us - We'll Fix It"Article said a lawsuit was pending over the ad.James DuHamel
*I have a saying that is "When we are done, it's finished!"
*I have some cards that have the following statement. Perhaps you've seen them before . . .MY CARD SIR. . .I am somewhat of a bullshitter myself, but occasionally I like to pause to listen to a real professional.PLEASE CARRY ON. . .eb
*Fred's Whorehouse - you bone 'em, we own 'em.
*Some years ago when I lived in a barn near a trackless railroad grade in a valley of hardwoods I worked with a couple of guys whose workaday speech was inflected with rythms and resonances accumulable only after years of driving a 66 SS with four studded snows. These guys had a deep emotional link to the language that made marvels of platitudes overhung by the lit green crescents of Genesee Cream Ales on their ways to a slake. One time we were stabilizing dormer trusses by stapling on some OSB. Stapler jams. Bock was his name, opens the nose and "BA-ZING" there goes the spring several stories down into a welter of cutoffs and those same green cans. Down goes Bock and maybe two minutes go by and here he comes with the spring... he makes no comment, no catchy phrase, no living bit of language frought with deep insight, likeliness or the simplicity of an old car and life in a trailer on a half acre that somebody's letting you use, the defiance of the odds of finding that spring eloquent comment enough, I guess.
*FreelanceNice turn of phrase.. . whaddya doin here?-pm
*Sacred Cow TipperJust visiting, looking for some fun intercybercution-chopping wood carrying water ya know.
*Well, Freelance, you have a nice way with words there. Stick around and have a beer.Rich Beckman
*Bumpersticker from local auto parts store named Cut Rate Auto Parts "This vehicle powered by C.R.A.P", buddys business card " If you want it..we can build it, If we cant build it...You dont need it!
*We may be slow but we're Expensive!!One of my favorite Downeast witicisms.
*At SPEEDT YOUR'RE A SOMEBODY BUT AROUND HERE, YOUR'RE FUCK ALL"
*AT SPEEDY YOUR'RE A SOMEBODY AROUND HERE YOUR'RE FUCK ALL!!!!
*I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT MEANS'RE
*Me neither'er Ryan
*2 bumpah (no "r" in that word in Mass) stickers I saw:"If you think you feel good, you should feel me""My Karma ran over my dogma"
*ONE FROM MY SISTERS HAIR SALON THAT GOES WELL WITH CONSTRUCTION: GREAT CARE MUST BE TAKEN TO AVOID MISTAKES THAT CANNOT BE EASILY DISGUISED.
*A few from Me.For that new helper:A little bit of caulk,A little bit of glue, Make up for what you cannot do.For the slow poke:Come on we got a dime holdin' up a dollar. For the person who waits to move at a traffic signal:That's the only shade of green your going to get.I once told my father as he opened his lunch while driving,"You only get half the road."His response, "Yeah and I'm takig mine right out of the middle."I don't remember who coined this one, but its for that slow driver in the fast lane:Drive it or pull it over and throw stones at it.
*Putty and paint - makes it what it ain't.
*That's "Caulk and Paint Make Carpenter's What They Ain't"Here's some more...Your happiest customer is the man who believes you went broke fixing up his shack...Old Caprenter's never quit...they just forget to finishIf it's thin, glue it...If it's thick, nail it...If it's pretty, hug it...If it's ugly, cover it...and so on, and so forth...James DuHamel
*There is a company in town called:Well Hung Doors.
*There is a sail loft in Portland, Maine- Hard Sails. They have T-Shirts that encourage you to "Sail with a Hard on"
*Me and a couple of buddies used to have a drywall business - "Well Hung Drywall". After it was all said and done, we made more money selling hats, t-shirts and sweatshirts than we did hanging drywall.My father-in-laws business is called "Bad News Construction", "High prices and lousy workmanship, just like everyone else."
*I liked the ficticious business name I was given in an accounting class once.Dewey, Cheatem, & Howe.I wondered if that was an actual parnership somewhere.
*that is click and clack the car talk guys on public radio legal teamDewey, Cheatem, & Howethey have all kinds of neet names like Russian Chauffeur-- Picov Andropov Divorce Attorney-- Carmine Nottyors Head of Security-- Barb Dwyer Director of Catering-- Russell Upsumgrub and much more
*On the side of a building, a tavern pimping their finest sandwich delicacy:BRAINS.......$0.25
*What!!! Didn't you guys watch The Three Stooges? D.C.& H was a lawfirm on their shows.
*I'm sure I posted this once before, long ago. The sign on what is probably the only business in a tiny Indiana town:b EATb BEERRich Beckman
*I saw this slogan on the side of a truck that was delivering peanuts and snacks in NYC."EAT MY NUTS"
*Our block mason's company logo:"Get laid by the best."
*I always thought it was BOYD, DEWEY, SKRUME & HOWE
*On the back of Pro-dek's truck it says "Want to get decked?"
*saw this posted here a while back- on the side of a truck-"Two White Guys that do Drugs & Paint Houses"
*From a bar in Auburn, CA: "liquor in the front, poker in the rear."
*A lawyer in Missoula: Hugh G. Kidder.Mattress warehouse: Beddie Buys.Last year I had a hard time choosing between the "Sweet Pea" and "Royal Flush" folks to pump my septic tank.
*On a bar in Sultan Wa.Cold coffeeWarm beerPay toiletsCome on in.
*You guys are a tough act to follow, here goes:I fish therefore I lieand my father used to have business cards that went:Most people call me "Sweet Old Bill, but some call me just by my initials"and then there was:FREE TICKET to the Circus! You have been chosen to kiss the elephants ass. Bring a ladder. and in conclusion:The employer requests that all employees come to work fully bathed, seeing as how we have to kiss your ass to get any work done, we want it nice and clean. :-]
*Dewey, Cheatem and Howe is from a Three Stooges episode.
*...on a garbage truck, "Satisfaction guaranteed, or double your garbage back!"...on a different garbage truck," If your garbage isn't becoming to you, it should be coming to us!"
*On a local plumbers truck "Knee deep in Experience"A friend of mine used to answer his phone with things like; Ron's pool hall. We rack 'em you crack 'em. Crawdaddy's bar and grill. We shuck 'em You suck 'em. Mabel's whorehouse. The customer always comes first. Daddy's hotrod shop. Number 1 piston speaking. or Tim mulebarn. Which Jackass do you want?
*There is an office in Harvard Square Boston that actually has "Dewey Cheetham & Howe" stenciled on gold leaf on the window. Don't know if it'a a joke or not, but it's there. May just be a take off on the stooges.Don't know why septic services seem to have catch phrases more often...guess you have to have some humor in that busioness. In town here we have "Stinky's Septic Svc"
*If you gutter have gutter, we gutter.T
*Seen in Bethel, CT, on a little truck, presumably a flooring installer: Just say no to rugs.
*AT&T ran a TV add with a guy saying: My dad always told me, "Never be afraid to buy the best. You'll always be happy with it."That struck a never with me, so that's what I do now with tools. Haven't bought one in several years that I didn't absolutely love!
*On another garbage truck: "Hot meals on wheels"
*Greg Brown: Are you in SF? That's where I've seen, "Two White Guys that do Drugs & Paint Houses"
*There is a Restaurant in Cave Creek, Arizona called "The Horny Toad".....across the street from it is a restaurant called "The Satisfied Frog"
*This is slightly off the tact, but more or less the same subject.Back in the mid-80s when I was hanging gutter to pay for college, my vastly more experienced partner would flirt with any woman he could find - at the store, in a fast-food place at lunch, on site, on the side of the road, etc.However, he felt that calling himself a mere gutter hanger was a bit demeaning, not to mention that it lacked a bit of poetry. So one day while talking up a sweet young thing while we were getting a bag of ice, his profession came up."What do you do?" Sweet Young Thing asked."I'm a residential hydrodiversion engineer," Experienced Partner said.And from that day forward, that's what we were.
*I like that! I wonder if he was related to the guy I met who told me he was a "propellant transfer technician". It took me a minute before realized what he REALLY meant was that he pumped gas!
*My brother in law Has three guarantees that come with his concrete work . Fireproof , theft proof and guaranteed to crack.
*The Ham that am Ham restaurant outside Syracuse, NY Has a wednesday special called the "Squat and Gobble"
*Halfway between Fairbanks and Nenana is a roadhouse called Skinny Dick's Halfway Inn. I don't want to mention what their specialty is .Lets just say it involves special sauce.
*Saw a sign outside a restaurant when I was traveling in upstate NY. The restaurant was named The Black Angus...but the "g" had fallen off the sign.
*
I often train framers, carpenters and the like on how to install Insulating Concrete Forms (ICF's). As a normal course of training, we gather about and partake of the spirits and discuss the training and look at thousands of pictures of good and bad work...which usually leads to discussions of what not to do and how to promote good quality and performance on the part of the new installer. We come up with some pretty good one-liners to put on business cards etc. I noticed a couple on the site today by chance, and thought this is the place to hear 'em all, good or bad. No need to post "Quality is job one" I just sank $600 big ones into a new front end for the '96. Ian