*
And, as always with woman – we can at least admit that sometimes you just can’t win! Here is the system for survival:
RULES FOR MEN
For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when
Dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you
To understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance,
One single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she
likes, and you getpoints.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don’t
Get Any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that’s the way
The Game is played.
Here is a guide to the points system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed ………………………………………+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows…. 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets……………….-1
You leave the toilet seat up…………………………….-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty………… 0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex…-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom………..-2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings…..+5
in the snow……………………………………………+8
but return with beer……………………………………-5
and no liners…………………………………………-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night………………… 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing………… 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something……….+5
You pummel it with a six iron…………………………..+10
It’s her cat………………………………………….-40
AT THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire party……………………. 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with
a college drinking buddy……………………………-2
Named Tiffany………………………………………….-4
Tiffany is a dancer……………………………………-10
With breast implants…………………………………..-18
HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday………………………………..0
You buy a card and flowers……………………………….0
You take her out to dinner……………………………… 0
You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar……….+1
Okay, it is a sports bar………………………………..-2
And it’s all-you-can-eat night…………………………..-3
It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colors of your favorite team………….-10
A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a pal…………………………………………..0
The pal is happily married………………………………+1
The pal is single………………………………………-7
He drives a Ferrari……………………………………-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED)……………..-15
A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a movie…………………………………+2
You take her to a movie she likes………………………..+4
You take her to a movie you hate…………………………+6
You take her to a movie you like…………………………-2
It’s called Death Cop 3…………………………………-3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans……………………-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans……..-15
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable pot belly………………………-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of
it…………………………………………+10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans
and baggy Hawaiian shirts…………………………-30
You say, “It doesn’t matter, you have one too.”………….-800
THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, “Does this dress make me look fat?”You hesitate in
responding……………………………..-10
You reply, “Where?”……………………………………-35
You reply, “No, I think it’s your ass”………………….-100
Any other response…………………………………….-20
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem:You listen, displaying a concerned expression………………0
You listen, for over 30 minutes………………………….+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience…..+50
Your mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying “well,what do you think I should do”………….-50
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV……………………………………………+100
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep………-200
Replies
*
Those are pretty impossible conditions. We men are but a simple folk.
Andy
*Here's a translator for us simple menWomen's English: Maybe = No I'm sorry = You'll be sorry We need = I want It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. Do what you want = You'll pay for this later. Sure go ahead = I don't want you to. I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron! You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house. I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper..... Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there! I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep. Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive. How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like. I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV. Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me. Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.] I'm not yelling! = Yes, I am yelling because I think this is Important. The same old thing = Nothing Nothing = Everything Everything = My PMS is acting up. Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an asshole.
*Man, that scoring is brutal !Only one point for making the bed ?
*Here's the explanation I heard.An interstate truck driver found a lamp along the highway and when he rubbed it clean a genie appeared. The genie gave him one wish. He wished for a highway to Hawaii, for a change of scenery. The genie complained, saying it would take to much concrete, steel and labor. He told the driver to make a different wish. The driver said "give me a one page paper explaining what women want". The genie said "do you want that highway to be 4 or 6 lanes?"
*One more for Women's English:Do you want to.....? = I want to ..... and so do you if you know what's good for you.Rich Beckman
*fifty thousand freakin' points to Rich for the cliffnotes...
*Hmmm, checked my score after 18 years of marriage (-363,687,242,141). Yet, I'm i ahead.Jeff
*Simplified scoring system;Do every thing you can to make her as happy as can be for as long as you both shall live: 5 pointsMake one tiny little insignificant mistake that she doesn't like: -5,000,000,000 Points
*Is my slate wiped clean when the decree comes thru? (ETA 2/4/02)
*Wolvie, WOlvie, Wolvie....BOy, I'm ashamed......AND YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT ME RECIRCULATING JOKES!!!THat one's been around the block more than the girl working the local corner...Hey, Smitty, 'ow 'bout ridin' her ass re: old jokes, huh???
*Bob, not as long as there is a divorce lawyer left alive and a courtroom available.
*Proves the point - we can't win, ever.did, with a detached garage with a woodstove and a refrigerator
*oh, Doug. I am woman - life is not fair, the title is still, and ever shall be YOURS! ;-)
*
And, as always with woman - we can at least admit that sometimes you just can't win! Here is the system for survival:
RULES FOR MEN
For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when
Dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you
To understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance,
One single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she
likes, and you getpoints.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't
Get Any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way
The Game is played.
Here is a guide to the points system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed .............................................+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.... 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...................-1
You leave the toilet seat up..................................-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty............ 0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom...........-2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings.....+5
in the snow...................................................+8
but return with beer..........................................-5
and no liners................................................-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night..................... 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing............ 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something..........+5
You pummel it with a six iron................................+10
It's her cat.................................................-40
AT THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire party......................... 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with
a college drinking buddy.................................-2
Named Tiffany.................................................-4
Tiffany is a dancer..........................................-10
With breast implants.........................................-18
HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday......................................0
You buy a card and flowers.....................................0
You take her out to dinner.................................... 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar..........+1
Okay, it is a sports bar......................................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night................................-3
It's a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colors of your favorite team.............-10
A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a pal..................................................0
The pal is happily married....................................+1
The pal is single.............................................-7
He drives a Ferrari..........................................-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED).................-15
A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a movie.......................................+2
You take her to a movie she likes.............................+4
You take her to a movie you hate..............................+6
You take her to a movie you like..............................-2
It's called Death Cop 3.......................................-3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans........................-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans........-15
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable pot belly...........................-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of
it................................................+10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans
and baggy Hawaiian shirts..............................-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.".............-800
THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"You hesitate in
responding...................................-10
You reply, "Where?"..........................................-35
You reply, "No, I think it's your ass"......................-100
Any other response...........................................-20
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem:You listen, displaying a concerned expression..................0
You listen, for over 30 minutes...............................+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience.....+50
Your mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying "well,what do you think I should do".............-50
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV...................................................+100
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep.........-200