Four mind-blowing toilets we’d like to see!
The humble toilet is perhaps mankind’s most underappreciated invention. But if the Weeping Angels sent me back in time a couple hundred years, it is toilets I would miss the most.
Yet, toilet technology hasn’t changed measurably in a hundred years. Toilets have, for the most part, stagnated. The only major exception is in Japan, where anything goes. When we came across this washing machine toilet that uses the dirty wash water to flush with, I thought “Wow, I sure hope I don’t drop my laundry in the toilet as I pull it out of the washer.”
I also though, “It’s time to take the next big step in toilet technology, which probably doesn’t involve laundry.” And to help us on our way, let’s start by considering what types of toilets and features we’d like to see.
Remote control flushing. There are several very practical uses for remote control flushing. Suppose you have a husband or wife or pet who likes to take their sweet time on the throne. You know what I mean, they bring their iPhone or a book or a magazine in with them and settle in for the afternoon. Meanwhile, you’re rolling around on the floor outside the bathroom with your legs tightly crossed alternating between praying and cursing.
Imagine if you had a remote control to flush your worthy opponent back to reality. It just might work. And you would be doing them a favor, healthwise.
Remote flushing could also come in very handy if you are feeling lazy. Picture this: you have just finished your business and you are about to lean over to flush. Suddenly that documentary you saw last week flashes before your eyes – the one about how a gazillion germs and microbes and nasty things fly out into the air when you flush. You are left with two choices.
- Be pelted with killer germs. Aarrghh!
- Make the arduous effort of bending down and closing the toilet seat. Aarrghh!
- Use the remote. Ooh, cool. Where did that come from? I thought I had only two choices.
Poop and scoop flushing. This would not technically be “flushing”. It would be non-flushing. This is a feature that dogs already have access to, and they even have a disposal service; they enslave a lower life form to do the scooping part. Well, it’s time that the lower life form gets its own poop and scoop. No more log-blocked toilet pipes. No more poop pollution in the water system. With poop and scoop flushing, people can scoop their own business before flushing.
Aside from the pride of pulling even with canines, is there a practical application to poop and scoop toilets? Yes! Oh, yes. But I warn you that it will anger some people. You see, as people come to grips with how much poop they have to grip, they will realize that the only way to reduce our collective poop is to stop eating so much.
Where other diets have failed, the poop and scoop toilet diet will succeed. We suggest branding this The Diet Toilet.
The only people who will be upset by this development are the people who sell diet plans. And the people who package food. And the garbage collectors.
Snack dispenser toilet. Tank-top space is highly underused. Why not use it for something that toilet users need, especially those people who use toilets the most. I am of course referring to long-term toilet users, those who bring their iPhone or a book or a magazine in with them and settle in for the afternoon.
You get hungry after a few hours on the throne, so why not have a built-in snack dispenser? I suggest loading it up with crunchy snacks, because the sound of crunching can help drown out those irritating praying and cursing sounds that always seem to crop up outside the bathroom door.
WARNING: I do not recommend creating a snack dispenser toilet with poop and scoop flushing. There is just too much risk of mixing up the…er…treats.
Theme song toilet. The one thing I miss the most on the throne is music. And the one sound I don’t like is the sound of flushing. I suspect that some people spend all afternoon on the throne because they dread the moment they have to hear the sound of flushing. I am sure it is a common psychological condition related to our fear of our own mortality. But what if, instead of hearing our lives flushing away from us, we pushed down the lever and heard “Baby, you’re a firework” ?
A few advanced features could prove even more useful. A different song could be programmed for each day of the week – very handy for people who have a hard time keeping track of the calendar.
Each member of the family could pick his own flushing theme song. “Oh, that’s Melody in there, I hear Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap playing.”
Put on the karaoke version and you could sing with the flush. You sing in the shower, why not on the toilet?
Those are just four ideas for the next generation of toilet technology. But surely you have some ideas of your own. What toilet would you like to see in stores next year?
Bert Mitchel writes about product ideas and product marketing, from the dull to the sublime. His annual pilgrimage to the beaches of the Caribbean is the only time he leaves thoughts of product development and marketing behind.
